Far away in time

Insecurity Disguised as Introspection May 1, 2008

Filed under: A Purse Full of Boys Wrapped in Napkins,Me,Work — Echo Beach @ 11:33 pm

Let me just preface this by saying that I spent 25 minutes stuck in traffic, just trying to get on the freeway.  And I was starving and missing Lost and tired from running around all day and stressing out about my life.  And I wanted to kill myself.  Once I got on the freeway it only took about five minutes to clear the place where the accident had been (which allowed me to stop wondering why so god damn many people were driving from Hollywood into the Valley at 10 on a Thursday night) and once I could finally drive above 30 MPH I never wanted to stop.  I rolled my window down, and cranked my radio up, and I just wanted to keep driving.  I didn’t of course because I also wanted to get out of my car and have some chocolate liqueur milk (which is very tasty and which will be to blame if this post becomes even more incoherent than usual).  Alcohol is not my preferred method of de-stressing, but my boy is out of town for a month and a half for work (since we’ve been dating he’s been out of town more often than he’s been here).

So before I was losing my shit in traffic (I normally deal well with traffic, it’s just when I’m tired and stressed that I can’t deal) I was freaking out about my “career”.  I’m good on set, and I’m great as an assistant,  but I kind of hate doing the prep work, and I’m afraid that I suck at designing.  And it stresses me out that I like what I’m doing now, but I’m on a track towards something that I don’t like (and am not good at).  I feel great after 12 hours on set, but 8 hours of driving around and shopping; and I’m ready to put a bullet in somebody’s head.  Why can’t I just marry a nice rich guy and raise some kids in a little house by the ocean?  Alternately I could just give up and get some retail job, but if I’m going to have a soul-killing job, it might as well be one that people are impressed by.  (And that pays more than $8 an hour, although I’m still working for less than that now.)  I don’t know, my chocolate milk is all gone, and I’m still all tied up in knots.  I should eat some real food, but everything I have needs to be cooked.

Meanwhile, back in topics that are not totally depressing, there was a very cute actor in the short that I was working on this week.  I think a big part of it was that the character was that shy, smart, nerdy boy that I really like.  And he had this great dance that was very Singin’ in the Rain inspired, that just looked like all those 1950’s Gene Kelly dances which I love.  But he was at least a little objectively cute too, because while I was watching him dance I thought “wow, he has a really cute ass.”  And I never think that.  The butt as an erotic object totally baffles me, I usually do not think anyone’s ass is cute, so this was a big breakthrough in parts of the body that I find attractive.  (I usually find the upper body attractive; chest, arms, back: yum).  So now that you know more than you ever wanted to about my insecurities and turn-ons, I am going to go watch How I Met Your Mother because I didn’t tape Lost and it’s not online yet.

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